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This column was posted on 4/3/2003. Check back next week to see another "Tuff Talk!" question and answer. It could be yours!

How Can I Tell Her It's Okay That She's Not My Mom!

My dad just got remarried last month. My mom died 2 years ago and ever since then he has been going out with this girl. She has been living with us for over a year. Now that they are married, she seems to try too hard. Sometimes I feel like telling her to just back off! She'll buy me new clothes, and just treat me like a daughter. I like the fact that she is nice to me, but she isn't my mom and will never be! How do I get through to her without hurting her feelings? - Jenni, 14, Alabama

"Hey, Jenni!" Death and all of its complications are hard problems to battle, especially when you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. However, by telling your stepmom how you feel, she may be a little hurt. Unfortunately, that's what you have to do. You miss your mom- that's understandable, and I'm sure your stepmom will understand that. It feels wierd to have a new woman in the house, and you need some space. Make sure you remind your stepmom that you like the fact that she is nice to you, but you don't want her to be nice in order to fill a void. You need to tell her this when you talk to her.

Remember to be calm and controlled when you talk to her- yelling is only going to make things worse- and let her have her say as well (the best thing to do is allow one person to get out their side and then the other). Use "I" messages ("I feel like you're trying to take my mom's place", etc) instead of accusations ("You're always trying to be like my mom!"). You'll probably find that your stepmom will appreciate knowing how you feel, and didn't even know that you were unhappy with the way she was acting! Then you two can work out something new to help both of you through this time. Best wishes!

Johanna, 15, Illinois