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This column was posted on 4/29/2003. Check back next week to see another "Tuff Talk!" question and answer. It could be yours!

How Can I Get My Friend To Trust Me Again?

Recently I have been lying a lot to all my friends, even the closest ones. I cannot help lying; it has now become something I do daily. So, about six weeks ago, my best friend of three years came up to me and asked my why I was always lying. And I lied to her and told her I wasn't. The next day we had another fight and we havent spoken to each other since. Last week I sent her a message saying I was sorry for what I said, and I told her that I had been lying and everything. I begged her to forgive me, but she won't. Now she is in the same touch football team as me, and I dont want our fighting to cause problems for the rest of the team. All my other friends have told me that if she's not prepared to forgive me, then I should forget about her because she's obviously not a true friend. I constantly think about her everyday, and I wish we were still friends. I can't move on, I need her to be my friend. What do I do?? - Jessie, 14, Australia

"Hey, Jessie!" I can totally understand where you're coming from - been there, done that. But you also have to consider how your friend is feeling. She's caught you in many lies, and friends aren't supposed to lie. It seems as though you've appologized, and you tried reasoning with her, but she won't give in. Maybe that's because she isn't taking your words seriously. She can't really accept your appology and fogive you if she knows in the past you have lied to her. She may just think "This is just another lie. She might just go and do it again!" That really could be what she is thinking. So stop saying and start DOING! You have to show her you are a true friend and you are really sorry for your actions. You have to do all of this by not lying to her or anything and treating her really well over the next little while. This doesn't mean totally sucking up to her or anything, this just means she has to be able to gain trust in you again.

I'm sure she also needs time to think where she is at with all of this. Don't you think you at least owe it to her for this? And really, you shouldn't be thinking of how you feel about all of this, you should be thinking of how SHE feels. She was the one who was lied to and hurt many times. So for a while just back off. Give her space, and time, and freedom.Within that though, try showing her you are a good friend by doing different things. Like things she likes. She's your friend, so what do you think she'd like to see happen from you? Maybe that's a question you should ask her. She might just say something like "I don't want to ever be friends with you again." or something along those lines, but don't give up. Give her lots of time, and space and try your hardest to prove to her you are a good friend.

As for the touch football team, that's a perfect opportunity for you to be nice to her. Do things like calling out her name and passing her the ball. Things like that. After the game say "Wasn't that a great game?" or just say some sort of comment on it. If you start talking to her in bits and pieces it can be a lot easier for her to gain trust in you again, and forgive you. Don't let the team suffer because of you.

I hope this helps!

Whitney, 15, Canada